To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
by MusicMakesYouBraver
Summary: AU: He was finally happy. But he knew something was wrong. His past came back to haunt him. "Some people have to experience more pain than others experience throughout their whole life. That's just how it is, Ritsu."
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Un-betaed**

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><p>Something was wrong. He couldn't reason why but he was sure of it. The feeling of dread wouldn't leave his mind, it settled in the pit of his stomach. Any minute now he expected something to happen. He just wasn't sure what he should do about it.<p>

The worst was that he had no one to talk to. Who could he ask for advice? Sure, he had a loving boyfriend but said boyfriend knew very little of his past and would therefore not understand the graveness of his current problem. Takano Masamune was very likely to think him crazy as soon as he would hear about it. His good friend Yoshino Chiaki was not a choice either. He would probably believe him, but he would also very likely freak out and have a panic attack.

"Stop spacing out and do your work!"

He flinched at the harsh tone of his boss. Then he nodded hastily.

"I'm sorry" He shouted in reaction.

Onodera Ritsu knew that there was only one person who could help him. Even though it meant refreshing ties he had long ago cut. As soon as his work permitted, he sent a text message. It read:

_Can you feel it too? Something's coming..._

He was sure she would understand.

As soon as work was finished he headed over to the Emerald department where his boyfriend was working. In fact, Takano Masamune was the head of the Emerald department, which was in charge of shoujo mangas. Ritsu himself had been a part of the Emerald department a few years ago but he decided to change to literature after Takano and he got together. He just wanted to avoid the rumours that would have, without a doubt started. He had enough of people assuming that he was favoured because of his connections.

Masamune hadn't been too thrilled at first. He feared that he would lose the green-eyed editor as soon as he was out of his eyesight. After some time he realized, though, that their relationship progressed much better since he wasn't his boyfriend's boss anymore. This way they had other things to talk about than work related stuff.

If someone were to ask Takano Masamune, age 26, if his life could get any better, he would answer: Who knows? But he had everything that he wanted right here.

Even though they went through an ugly break-up when they were teenager they were now as close as ever. Masamune had to admit that it hadn't been easy to get Ritsu to fall for him again but in the end, the younger was worth all the effort he had put into it and all the rejections he had endured.

They were together again for one year now and were even planning to move in together. So, things couldn't be any better for Takano Masamune now.

"I'm heading home" Ritsu told his lover. "I could buy something to eat for us if you want."

It was still awkward, talking like they were an old married couple. He avoided it as much as possible but sometimes it couldn't be helped. After all, he would feel bad if he just left without a word. Plus, he knew how hectic life as a manga editor was so he kind of had to make sure that his boyfriend got something to eat. He would be a bad boyfriend otherwise, right? He was still so new to romance. It was awkward. Even after almost a year. He wondered if it would ever get better. But maybe that's what love was all about? Still feeling the thrill of each touch, each word, and each gaze?

"Hey, are you even listening?"

Ritsu quickly snapped out of his thoughts. They were irritating him anyway.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?"

Masamune let out an annoyed sigh but inwardly he smirked over his flustered boyfriend. Boyfriend. How he loved that word. "I said that it's gonna be late. I'll heat something up. Now, go. You look dead tired." It was true. The stress of work and his worries were really getting to Ritsu.

"S-sure." He gulped. Then he looked if anybody was near enough to hear them. "I'll see you later then?" He already turned away when his wrist was grabbed. Annoyed he turned to Masamune only to be met with a pair of lips. The kiss was short but his face got beet red anyway.

"I love you."

Ritsu looked down and tried to hide his embarrassed expression. The other could picture it anyway.

"I love you too." It wasn't more than a soft murmur, barely audible. But Masamune heard it.

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><p>As soon as Ritsu was home he checked his messages. Then his heart tried to leap out of his chest. He was nervous. His guts constringed painfully. He wasn't sure if he would be sick because of it or faint. It certainly felt like he might. 1 message. He opened it with jittery fingers. Why was he so damn nervous? It was just a text message, for god's sake!<p>

_From: Sonomea The past's coming back to haunt you. I warned you. You wanted to start anew, without me. And now you need me? Jeez, you're a pain in the ass._

Now he could feel himself blanch. It felt like his world stopped. Guilt stabbed him in the chest and settled then in his stomach. What had he expected? He wanted to slap himself. Of course she would hold a grudge! He had cut her out of his life like she was a nasty habit that badly affected his health. Like Masamune's smoking, he thought. Then he reprimanded himself for this thought. He had to focus! He was about to type a response that would definitely include an apology, maybe even some begging when he was interrupted by an incoming message.

_From: Sonomea I'll meet you in the park. Now. Don't be late. Bring me chocolates. You owe me. _

Ritsu smiled.

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><p>He didn't need to ask for an exact location. After all the years they've known each other it could only be one spot. Their spot. Ritsu clutched his fingers around the bar of chocolate like it was a lifeline. In a way, it actually was. At least, to him it was. Chocolate might be the only thing that will get him to be in her good graces again. It was worth a try. But it could never make up for what he'd done. He knew it couldn't. He didn't expect it to. But it was a start.<p>

She sat under the cherry tree and watched the petals that fell like soft snowflakes. It was a beautiful sight. Indeed, it was so beautiful that he almost choked on his amazement. She had always been graceful, almost ethereal but the surroundings gave her a glow that put emphasizes on her soft features. It had never occurred to her that she was beautiful. Her skin was too pale for that to be true, her lips too thin. But Ritsu would use exactly that adjective to describe her in that moment. He had always found her amazing and eye-catching just because she didn't fit the common description of beautiful. After all, it was her expressions that made him look at her in wonder. How she could be so stoical at times but then look so sad when she noticed that he was in pain. How she could put so much understanding and loyalty in one glance. How she could use words to heal and to destroy. How she carried on with her wounds in her heart and on her body as if she was completely unscathed just because she wanted to save her pride. Sonomea Lavender had always been someone precious to him and it seemed like that wouldn't ever change.

"You haven't changed at all" He told her after getting the courage to say anything at all. Her grey-blue eyes scanned him coldly but he couldn't look away. Warm peridot eyes melted some of the ice in her glance. She had always had a weakness for his eyes. Who could blame her? They were exceptionally gorgeous, after all.

"I would say the same about you but I wouldn't know, would I? I haven't seen you for the past four years. It's a wonder that I even recognize you. We're strangers now, after all, right?"

"I'm sorry." He meant it.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "If you were truly sorry we would've met under different circumstances."

At least, he had the decency to look guilty. Actually, he looked like a kicked puppy. "It wasn't exactly you that I tried to cut out of my life. But you were too... involved. Too involved."

She pondered over his words for a while. "We wanted different things back then. And we were both stubborn. I guess there was no solution" She admitted.

Ritsu allowed himself a small smile. It was a small triumph, after all. He dared now to move closer. But he wasn't allowed to sit beside her yet, that much he was sure of. "Back then. Are you implying that things are different now?" He asked hopeful.

Sonomeas smirk was anything but happy. "It has to be since you contacted me."

And his hope was gone. He should have known. She would never turn her back to the life he too had lived once. It was a mystery to him why, though. It wasn't like this kind of life made her happy. It brought justice on good days and grief and guilt on the bad ones but it always brought nightmares. So while he tried to escape this misery she stayed and faced it like it was her responsibility to do so. He never agreed with her.

"I am kind of forced to. It's not like I choose to get my old life back" He answered grimly. Just when everything was going well for him once, his world tumbled down and trapped him in the past.

"See it as a lesson. You cannot escape who you are."

"This" He hissed, "doesn't make me who I am. It doesn't define me. I won't give it that much power over my life."

"It doesn't define you" She agreed calmly. Her expression became sympathetic. "But it is part of who you are. You can't run away from it because it follows you wherever you go. That's just how it is."

How could she be so calm? Ritsu wanted to scream and curse the world or god or whoever had brought this fate upon him. He wanted to fight or at least punch someone to let of some steam. But he knew that nothing could resolve the tension. Whatever he did was useless. He couldn't change the way things were. Or how he was, to be exact.

"How did you come to terms with it? I know I've asked you this a million times already but I still don't understand it. Please, tell me how you do it, how to live with it." His voice almost broke at the end. There was the grief of old days that he had buried in the deepest layer of indifference that he got. It still haunted him from the grave he built for it.

"Oh, Ritsu." She took his hand and squeezed it. Even though it was warm outside, his hands were ice cold. "I know that I may never understand the extant of your pain but I will always be there to help you through it. Some people just have to experience more pain than others have to in their whole life. But that's just how it is. Life isn't fair."

A dry sob cut through the air like a knife. Sonomea could feel it pierce her skin. It hurt but it was just a phantom pain to her. No tears followed. Maybe he had no more tears to shed.

"It's bearable now. I can handle it. B-but it won't stay that way, right? I'm not that lucky?" It was clear that he was hopeful she would tell him that he was wrong, that everything would continue the way it was. But she couldn't deceive him like that. The truth may hurt but at least it didn't stab you in the back like betrayal does. Betrayal makes you defenceless but the pain truth brings is defendable.

"No, something's definitely going to happen. And it will happen soon. I was told so by many." He knew who her informants were. The thought made him shudder.

She tugged on his hand and made him sit beside her. Like in old days he rested his head on her shoulder in sought of comfort. She carted her fingers through his cinnamon locks. It was their ritual. When everything else was going downhill they had at least these moments of silence and tranquillity.

Ritsu thought about his life the way it was now. He was finally happy. He had gotten the love of his life back, had the job he dreamed of since he was a child and had managed to make good friends. Masamune was all he could have asked for and more, even though he would never admit it to him in so many words. Love wasn't something he had sought out actively but it just happened to him. At first, he had been so overwhelmed by it that he couldn't handle it. He had denied it because he hadn't known how to destroy it. He thought the feelings would go away eventually if he ignored them. It had been an act of self-defence. After all, he had seen too much to believe in love. In fact, he still had days on which he questioned the existence of love if it fuelled hate and jealousy and drove people to cruel actions. But he experienced that love doesn't have to be ugly. It could be quite wonderful if you handled it right. Maybe he was still a bit cautious of it because he never underestimated its power and always remembered that light brought shadows that he had to watch out for. But still, he fell hopelessly in love and loved with all his being. There were times that love brought out an ugly side of him but most of the time it showed him how rich life could be. He didn't want to give it up, now that he had had a taste of it.

_For the time being I should sleep alone as much as possible. There goes our plan to live together...__,_ he thought pitifully. "Tomorrow I'll know more. I'm pretty sure of it. I'll let you know then" He promised.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Ritsu noticed was the light. The light was turned on. His expression immediately darkened since this discovery led him to a horrifying realization. Mentally cursing he took off his shoes and entered his apartment.

He found him in the kitchen where he was leaning against the counter. His face was grim.

Masamune and Ritsu had exchanged keys after Ritsu had transferred to the literature department. They both agreed that it was easier this way since they usually came home at a different time. It had been a huge step for the younger male but he could no longer deny that he, too, felt the desire to spend as much time together as possible. Determination overcame his fear and after a while he got even used to finding his lover in his apartment. To be honest, he preferred the nights he had someone to come home to, to the nights he was greeted by darkness.

Right now, though, he was very displeased with the other's presence. He would have preferred to be alone. After all, he had a lot to think about.

"Where have you been?"

Masamune's voice wasn't angry, no, it was alarmingly calm. It was even worse than Ritsu had expected. He gulped.

"Out," the brunet answered immediately. He forced himself to be brave enough to meet the other's gaze. "I- I met a friend. We got to talk and, well... seems like I've lost track of time. It was nice to catch up. But time sure passes by fast, eh?"  
>Like always he added a nervous laugh to the lie. Although he convinced himself that he wasn't technically lying, he felt guilty. Why did he feel guilty? He had done nothing wrong! What was with Masamune anyway, to ask him in such a grave voice?<p>

_Don't treat me like a criminal! I'm still my own person!_, he thought heatedly.

Masamune's honey coloured eyes narrowed. "You could've called, you know."

"Why should I have? It's not like I stood you up! I didn't even know what time you would come home. I'm free to do what I want, am I not?"

Annoyance was clear as day written on the older male's face. He grabbed the brunet's wrist and yanked him closer, until their noses were nearly touching.

"I was worried, you idiot. That's why you should have called," Masamune pointed out. It was clear now that he was pissed off. But Ritsu could also tell that he was relieved to see him unharmed so he was sure that this situation wouldn't escalate into a fight. After almost a year of being together he knew which arguments would evolve into a fight and which would solve themselves with a few honest words. In this case, all it would take was an apology.

"I'm sorry," Ritsu murmured, flustered at their proximity. He would never understand why he still reacted that way as soon as the other evaded his personal space. It annoyed him greatly that his face always gave away his excitement while Masamune looked composed. It wasn't fair.

"I could come up with a few ways for you to make it up to me." The raven haired smirked. Ritsu had to gulp. His face felt uncomfortably hot.

"A-a promise to never do it again?" It was a nice try, but it was also in vain. A hand settled on his waist almost protectively. But its intention was not to protect. It was to claim.

Much later they were both lying in bed, entangled in each other. They were just coming down from the high of the last mind-blowing orgasm, still breathing heavily. Masamune's hand was lazily stroking along Ritsu's spine which caused the smaller man to snuggle even closer to him. He loved his lover's responses after sex. Don't get him wrong. The sex was great. But what he really loved were these moments right after passion. They were filled with satisfaction and tranquillity. In these moments Ritsu showed his affection openly, without thinking or getting embarrassed. An embarrassed Ritsu was amusing, but a calm and affectionate one was extremely soothing and made up for the times when the brunette was too busy denying his feelings. Even after confessing to him Ritsu couldn't just transform back to his old self. Surprisingly Masamune loved his self now just as much as his old self. After all, he still was caring, straight-forward, passionate and determined. Ritsu just broke free from the shell of innocence he had been trapped in when they had first met. It was no wonder that someone as sheltered as Ritsu had been became cautious, sarcastic and a little bit jaded after being suddenly confronted with the harsh reality of life. Even so, the brunet was still a very compassionate person. He had just learned to hide behind a wall. To be honest, Masamune really admired Ritsu for his transformation. He became stronger without really changing himself, without losing his light that once was so easy to sniff out. Now, it seems, he just had become aware of all the dangers the world had to offer.

It really was a shame that he couldn't tell his one true love all that. Not even he was that much of a sap and it seems, whenever it came to his beloved, he couldn't find the right words. Words wouldn't do his feelings justice anyway. Masamune always felt that he was much better at showing them. Actions spoke louder than words, right?

"Who did you meet?" he asked therefore. Yes, he felt jealous. Being protective of loved ones was natural, right? So, being over-protective conveyed his feelings of love just perfectly.  
>Unfortunately, Ritsu didn't see it that way. He became irritated. Any other day he would've brushed it off but today he got pretty easily upset.<p>

"What's it to you? You wouldn't know her, anyway."

"Huh? If that was meant to calm me, you obviously don't know shit about the definition of calm." He received a slap on his shoulder for that comment.

"I wasn't trying to... Ugh, whatever! I think we should have that conversation about boundaries again. It seems _you_ forgot the definition of that word," Ritsu shot back.  
>Masamune laughed. His Ritsu could come up with rather witty responses after he overcame his shyness.<p>

"I'm just curious. Isn't it normal to ask your loved ones about their day?" He faked innocence. No one could press Ritsu's buttons like he did, which made him proud. It just showed that their relationship was really special.

Just as expected the brunet blushed. Whenever he mentioned how much he loved the younger one he got this reaction. It was his secret weapon. But it seemed it was not a gun or a sword or any other weapon that could destroy and hurt. It was a rope that he used to stop the other from escaping but also to bind himself even more to the brunet. In the end, they both became victim but neither of them seemed to mind.

"I guess." Ritsu averted his gaze, even though hiding his feelings was pretty useless at this point. "I... Like I said, she is an old friend. We were in England together but while she stayed there, I came back to Japan."

Masamune frowned as Ritsu referred to his time spent in England. He still didn't know much about this chapter in the life of his beloved and it annoyed him greatly. He wanted to know everything about his lover.

"You didn't stay in contact with each other? She sounds pretty important to you."

"She was. I mean, she is. But... we had sort of a... huge disagreement. We didn't exactly part on good terms, you see."

Masamune slapped him playfully on the head.

"And here I thought you learned that leaving without resolving tensions tends to end badly!"

Ritsu rubbed his poor head and pouted unconsciously. "It wasn't the same situation. And I already admitted that I acted wrong and that I should've given you a chance to explain yourself before I took off! Can't you let it rest already?"

Masamune caught the hand that was still massaging the spot where he had been hit and quickly pressed his lips against the palm.

"Still, maybe you should take that advice to heart. You might learn something from it, you know. It never hurts to sit down and talk matters over."

Even though Ritsu was pretty impressed by his lover's words, he snorted. He would rather make the effort to hide his admiration than admit it.

"Get down from your high horse, Freud. You were never big on words yourself! That was part of the reason why we weren't in contact for ten years too, remember?" he grumbled.

Masamune raised an eyebrow. "If I get down from my high horse, can I go down on you?"

The Laughter erupted from his mouth before he could even glare at his boyfriend. Ritsu laughed so hard that tears stung in his eyes. How Masamune could stay serious while saying such a crappy line was a mystery to him.

"God! You're ridiculous!" he wheezed out.


End file.
